


American and Russian Relations in the 21st Century

by Margo_Kim



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Gossip, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2012-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-15 13:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margo_Kim/pseuds/Margo_Kim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Avengers kinkmeme: An outsider perspective on Steve's new relationship. Darcy thinks there's something funny about Steve and Natasha's new relationship. Erik and Jane think she's crazy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	American and Russian Relations in the 21st Century

" _Wow,_ " Jane said. 

"What?"

Jane shook her head. "Just wow. You are so lucky that no one heard you say that but me."

Darcy hopped up on the counter, narrowly avoiding bumping off...some sciencey thing that was no doubt very expensive and not the kind of thing you should hit with your ass. "Seriously, Jane, have you thought about it?"

"Considering I'm not an insane conspiracy nut? No, I haven't."

"You're dating an alien. You don't get to pretend that life isn't weird."

"Proof of one unexpected phenomenon does not mean proof for every crazy idea you read about on Reddit."

"Dude, we are literally in the flying secret fort of a worldwide spy organization dedicated to controlling people with superpowers and fighting aliens."

"I—well." Jane tinkered with something shiny and probably important. "That's not the point. You're still wrong." 

Darcy did a little victory dance on the counter that consisted mostly of her shimming from side to side and pointing up. "Point for Darcy. Where's your debating skills now?" 

"Don't be smug."

"Way too late." But they were getting off-track. Jane was doing that thing where she refused to talk about something she didn't want to talk about and Darcy was not having that. "But really, Jane, seriously, Black Widow and Captain America? That doesn't seem weird to you? That's literally like if FDR and Stalin started dating and spent all the Yalta conference sneaking off to makeout in cupboards."

Jane gave Darcy a scolding look. She sort of looked like an angry Chihuahua. "That is both very rude to our coworkers and an incredibly inappropriate use of literally."

"It's a totally appropriate use of literally. I am saying that this relationship is literally exactly as wrong as the mental image of Joseph Stalin straddling Roosevelt and rubbing that Soviet mustache all over his freedom-loving face."

"I came in at a very strange point in this conversation," Erik said from the doorway. He walked over and handed Jane a greasy paper bag. "I got your lunch from the mess hall."

Jane took it absentmindedly, her eyes fixed on the computer screen in front of her. "I didn't order lunch," she said as she opened the bag and started eating. 

"I know," Erik said. "You haven't ordered a meal for the last two days. I thought I should fix that." He turned to Darcy. "Aren't you supposed to make sure she eats?"

Darcy held up one of the empty Cheetos bags that littered the lab. "I got it covered."

Erik stared at the bag then at Jane and finally back to Darcy. "How are you two alive?"

"Darcy," Jane said and nodded towards Erik. "Tell him your insane theory."

"Oh, hell yeah.” She snapped at Erik. “Listen up. You know how Steve and Natasha started dating, right?"

"I'm pretty sure after the People Magazine cover, every single person in the world knows they're dating," Erik said. 

"Right, so, I was reading this thing on the internet about it and someone said that during the Cold War, Soviets created these sleeper agents who were programmed with missions, but they didn't know that they were programmed. They just thought they were Joe Smith from Idaho when actually they were Joseph Smithinski from Moscow, especially trained to infiltrate the United States."

Erik turned to Jane. "This is going to be insane." Without looking away from her work, Jane grinned at him. 

Darcy shushed them. "No interruptions! Now, we know that Natasha was trained by secret evil Soviets who did terrible things and made her do terrible things and that's terrible. And we know that she's not entirely sure who she is, right?" Erik crossed his arms and stared flatly at Darcy. Darcy pressed on. "So what if like twenty years ago, someone implanted her with the secret mission to seduce Captain America so they could activate her and kill him?"

"Twenty years ago," Erik repeated. Darcy nodded. "So nineteen years before anyone knew Captain America was still alive."

"Those Russians think of everything."

Erik held up a hand. “Let me rephrase my disbelief. You are saying that the woman who personally shut down the portal to save the world is plotting to kill Captain America.” 

“No. I am saying that a really awesome lady might possibly have something in her brain that will make her inadvertently kill Captain America. And I think that we need to do something about this because she and Steve will like be super sad if that happens.”

“Steve who will be dead in this chain of events,” Erik said. 

Jane snorted. “Yeah, he’ll be extra sad then.”

“You guys are not taking my concerns very seriously,” Darcy said.

Jane nodded. “We are not.” 

Erik frowned at Darcy. “Why did you even come up with this?” 

Darcy crossed her arms. “Because secret Soviet brainwashing is the only way this relationship makes any sense.”

The room was quiet for a moment save for the sound of Jane’s frantic typing. 

“That’s…not nice,” Erik said finally. 

“So you think it too?” Darcy asked. 

The room was quiet for a moment longer. 

Erik sighed. “It’s not what I _expected_. But they seem to be happy. So I’m happy for them. And you can never judge a relationship from the outside.” 

“You totally can,” Darcy said. “I do it all the time. And let me tell you, I don’t ship it. They’re just _so_ different, you know? And not in like a sexy, opposites attract way, but more like a ‘what do you even talk about?’ way. So the way I see it is that Natasha was secretly programmed to seduce American national heroes so she could get close to them. And that’s why I was telling Jane that she should warn her super boyfriend so he can get help.”

Jane held up one finger as she reread what she just wrote. “So I zoned out because I was doing real work, but let me correct you on that last part. Steve seduced her.”

“What.” Darcy may have shouted that just a little. But seriously, what.

“Wooed might be a better word. He brought her flowers, he opened doors, he bought her dinner. Thor said that he made Tony teach him how to burn a mix CD so he could give her one.” Jane laughed and shook her head at the last one. “Apparently she asked him to never give her a mix again.”

“Yeah, his music taste is pretty horrible,” Darcy said numbly. She was still processing Steve as seducer. 

“To be fair,” Erik said, and he sounded about as stunned as Darcy did, “he’s new to pop culture. He doesn’t know how most people feel about Celine Dion.”

Darcy snorted. “He knows by now. He has opted to not care.” She turned back to Jane. “Seriously? He wooed her?”

Jane shrugged. “Is that weirder than her wooing him?” 

“It’s pretty freaking weird either way, but this mental image is so adorable that I want to pinch its cheeks. How did Natasha take it?”

“Well, he’s dating him.”

Darcy punched Jane’s arm. “You suck at gossiping. Give us specifics! This is why you date an Avenger! So you can give us juicy Avenging details. What did Thor say Natasha did?”

Jane scowled and rubbed her arm before she glanced around to make sure no one was listening. “He said—and don’t you dare repeat this to _anyone_ —that she thought he was making fun of her at first.

Darcy gasped so loudly that Jane and Erik stared at her. "Shut up, I've read like six billion romance novels, I know how this ends and it's going to be adorable. Tell me more."

"I think you might be over-invested in this," Jane said.

"I am exactly the right amount of invested, just finish the stupid story."

"I—yes, fine, okay, but only because I think it's adorable too. So Natasha asked him one day to please stop whatever it was he was doing because she didn't appreciate being mocked. And this made Steve very confused, but he agreed and apologized because he’s new to wooing and he thought he did something wrong. And the Tower was very uncomfortable for a few days until Clint went and asked Natasha what was going on. And Natasha told Clint that she had told Cap that she wanted him to stop treating her like he was interested in dating her because she found it hurtful. And Clint asked why because he thought that was crazy, and Natasha explained that she liked Steve quite a lot and she'd prefer to get over him as quickly as possible which she couldn't do if Steve kept treating her so sweetly which he was clearly only doing out of politeness. 

“And at this point Steve, who had been eavesdropping at the door (which he felt very guilty about and apologized for later), burst in and said that he thought Natasha was one of the best people he'd ever and he wasn't doing anything just out of politeness. He genuinely wanted to date her."

Darcy rested her chin in her hands. "Oh my god."

Jane shushed her. "There's more, wait. So Natasha said that she appreciated Steve saying that, but clearly the two of them weren't exactly couple material. She said that if Steve was with her, no one would understand. They’d think that she was—I don’t know, let’s pick a random example—think that she was a Soviet robot programmed to kill him. She said that dating her would be bad for his image. Steve said that he didn't care. He understood. And as far as he cared, the rest of the world could mind its own business. She was the best woman he knew. And then she told him that she wasn’t that good of a person, and Steve told her that she was acting uncharacteristically dumb today because she’s a hero. And then he asked her out to dinner that night."

"And then?" Erik asked, and then tried to pretend that he hadn’t. 

"Then Natasha flung her arms around his neck and kissed him. Steve apparently was stunned for a few seconds, but then he started kissing back. And at that point, Clint left them alone and ran off to tell Thor and Thor told me. So. That's the story." 

Darcy pressed her hands to her heart and sighed happily. "That’s so cute. God, I have hearts in my eyes, that’s how freaking cute that is. Do you think they've screwed yet?"

"Whoa." Erik held up his hand. "No. No. We are not going there."

Darcy ignored him. She frowned in thought. "What do you think the sex like?”

"It's none of our business," Erik said firmly. Jane appeared to be thinking about it. He looked at her as well. " _None of our business._ " 

“He’s very flexible,” Jane said thoughtfully. “Very, very limber.”

Darcy nodded. “And have you seen some of the positions Natasha can get into? She can like put both her legs behind her head and fit into a tiny box. If there was a Sex Olympics, I’m pretty sure they’d get gold.”

Erik gave both of them a look. “These are your coworkers you are talking about.”

Jane and Darcy glanced at each other. Jane shrugged. “Our coworkers are very attractive,” she said apologetically.

“ Dude!” Darcy said suddenly and clapped her hands together. “Do you know what I just thought? Has Steve even had sex like ever?”

Jane opened her mouth to respond, then closed it. “Huh. Actually, that’s a good question.” They all were silent a moment. 

“With the caveat that it’s none of our business,” Erik said with the reluctant tones of a man who kept getting dragged back in when he thought he was out, “he was a soldier in World War II. Soldiers are not a famously chaste group.”

“Yeah, but he’s _Captain America_.” Jane accompanied his name with a sweeping hand gesture. “I can’t imagine him hiring a French prostitute or accepting a liberated girl’s sexy thanks.” 

“Maybe he had gay sex?” Darcy suggested. 

“Ooh, yeah!” Jane said. “Maybe he had gay sex! I’ve seen pictures of the Howling Commandos, they’re very attractive.”

“And they probably got really close ‘cause of the all the fighting in a war together,” Darcy added.

“Is this really the conversation that we’ve been having for the last ten minutes?” Erik asked. Jane patted him sympathetically on the shoulder. 

Darcy kicked her feet as she thought. “I dunno. I really like the mental image, but Cap just doesn’t seem like the guy who’d be like sleeping with a new fella each night. Honestly, I can’t see him sleeping with anyone without being super, super in love with them and dating them and wanting to marry them.”

“So do you think that he’s had sex?” Jane asked.

"I'm gonna guess no," Darcy said. 

"I'm gonna guess yes," the Black Widow said. 

The three of them jumped. Darcy grabbed a clipboard and pretended she was reading it. Natasha leaned in the doorway and looked over them. Her mouth wasn't smiling. But it looked like her eyes were so that probably meant she wasn't going to kill them. "Stark's looking for you, Dr. Foster," Natasha said. "He and Dr. Banner need your advice on the new stabilizers for the pseudo-Bifrost." 

"Right," Jane said meekly. Her cheeks were bright red. "Thank you."

Natasha nodded at Erik. “Dr. Selvig. We’re always glad to have you onboard. I hope your labs are to your specifications.” 

“Perfect,” he said, all flustered dignity. He was tinged red too.

Natasha looked over at Darcy. Darcy waved. “Do you even work here?” Natasha asked. 

Darcy held up her security card on the end of her fancy new SHIELD lanyard. “I’m with PR.”

“We’re a secret organization.”

“Yeah, it’s a very quiet job.”

Natasha had a very intense resting face. When she looked at Darcy straight on, Darcy felt the strange compulsion to confess everything she’d ever done wrong. It was a relief when she glanced back to Jane. “They’re expecting you in laboratory C, but it’s not urgent. Head up whenever you’re free. I’ll let you find your way there.” Natasha turned and left. 

The three of them glanced at each other. “I think we handled that well,” Darcy said. “She probably didn’t even hear that much.”

“Oh, by the way,” Natasha said and they all jumped again. She stuck her head back in the room and said, with a wicked glint in her eye, “The sex is truly spectacular.” Then she waved her fingers and disappeared.

The three of them gawked at the open doorway. 

“I want to be her when I grow up,” Darcy said after a moment. “I take it back, I take it all back. Natasha's not going to kill him. They are going to have beautiful, kickass babies together and I will cry at their wedding. I ship it, guys. I ship it so hard.” 

“I know,” Jane said and laughed. “I ship it too.”

Erik rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Can we please talk about something else?”

For the next twenty minutes, Jane and Darcy talked about nothing else, at which point Erik gave up and joined in. Very little science was accomplished that afternoon.


End file.
